


A way to begin again

by dorina16able



Series: Begin Again [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drama & Romance, F/M, Family Feels, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Injury Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-17
Updated: 2018-06-17
Packaged: 2019-05-24 15:26:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14957204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dorina16able/pseuds/dorina16able
Summary: Three years after reaching the ocean and settling down, Jean leaves Sasha behind to go on a scouting mission as a spy, but something goes really wrong and he is presumed dead. After finding a way to return to the remaining Scouts, though, he meets an unexpected addition to the group and realizes that there’s always a way to cure your wounds.





	A way to begin again

**Author's Note:**

> Sooo, here's a one-shot about my absolute favorite ship of Attack on Titan, my beautiful OTP (oh how I wish they could become canon). It's an alternate story about the Scouts' life after the Battle of Shiganshina, so the plot is canon divergent from this point.
> 
> Be warned, the story contains SPOILERS about the manga and more specifically the Return in Shiganshina arc.
> 
> The title of the story is a verse from the song "Begin Again" by Rachel Platten.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own the Attack on Titan universe and characters in any way, all rights belong to Hajime Isayama.

Riding his horse is still difficult for the twenty-year-old man, who leans slightly forward on his saddle and wipes the sweat from his forehead, the sun shining over him doing little to improve his condition. The stallion, as if sensing its rider’s pain, trots gently and without galloping and Jean pats its mane with a small smile, thanking it silently. He’s still wondering about how on earth he’s managed to stay alive—back when he got severely injured and tortured in that spying mission, he had honestly believed he was a goner. How he’s able to stand and walk and talk and ride back to the home that’s waiting for him near the ocean and live another day is beyond him.

Almost dying makes you notice things you haven’t noticed before: everything is clearer around you, more beautiful and for the first time Jean understands what Mikasa meant when she said that the world is a cruel and yet beautiful place. It’s like he sees and senses the environment around him in all its clarity: the heat of the sun, his horse’s neighing, the feeling of the saddle, the small hints of dust that are dancing in the afternoon breeze, the faint sound of the ocean waves—the sign that he’s approaching his destination.

_Finally._

After a whole year.

After leaving with Armin, Connie and Mikasa, each of them to a different location, to inspect the situation of the war that was still ensuing. The entries in Dr. Jaeger’s diary, which they found in Eren’s mysterious basement in Shiganshina, the revelations about how Titans were created and the reports about the war had solved most of the mysteries the Scouting Regiment had been trying to solve for years; not to mention that the former cadets of the 104th finally got some answers about Reiner, Bertholdt and Annie’s involvement in all this mess.

The discovery of the ocean and them finding home and a life there had created the hope that they would leave these horrors behind and they would move on. But then, three years after settling down, the rumors started; because, despite the fact that there were only nine of them, the Scouts remained Scouts, travelling to the districts to listen to what was going on in the world. And it was not in vain; the rumors that the war between Marley and Eldia was going on; that the attempts at obtaining the remaining Titan powers hadn’t stopped.

Hence the decision to launch a spying mission a year ago. Two teams, Jean with Armin and Connie with Mikasa, left everything they had built to travel to the frontlines as spies, to the walls to find out more about what was happening and, in general, to anywhere that could provide them with some information.

Thanks to Armin’s intelligence, they had managed to reach a conclusion that would give them more answers—a suspicion about the Ackerman family, the very first king that resided in the walls and the infamous Underground City, about which Jean had heard so many legends and bedtime stories as a kid that it was as if he had lived there.

Only that spying missions turn to suicide missions too easily and when Jean considered everything lost, the least he could do was push Armin away and yell at him to get the hell out of there and go back to their friends.

 _But nothing was lost in the end, you’re alive, you’re going back to them, even if it’s much later than you wanted, even if everyone back thinks you’re dead_ , Jean thinks now with a sting of guilt, temporarily brought back to reality. Still, the memories can’t leave him alone, especially now, and he remembers small details he never thought he would ever notice. It’s like the scenes are played right in front of him with the eyes of his imagination…

Eren’s determined expression while declaring his willingness to fight to the death if it comes down to it…

Armin’s terrified face as he tells him to save himself, filled with qualms for not doing anything…

Captain Levi and Mikasa’s identical emotionlessness, as if they’re defending themselves from pain and from dramatic memories that way…

Hanji giving the two teams the last piece of advice before their departure for their mission with a serious look that doesn’t remind anyone of the annoying squad leader of the past…it’s been years and yet it’s obvious that the loss of her comrades, her closest assistant and her Commander is still tormenting her…

Connie laughing for the smallest reason, even when everything seemed hopeless…

Sasha’s eyes filled with tears…fearing for his safety and thinking that she won’t see him again, her nerves broken due to everything they lived in the past….Her tears mingling with his, the desperate kisses they exchanged, her arms hugging him tightly, not wanting to let him go…

The night before he left, a memory he held onto in his worst moments that dark year, even when he was on the brink of death, when his survival seemed impossible. The night he finally accepted that even someone like him can have feelings for someone, that he has to act on them before it’s too late…the night he forgot his fears for the moment and actually focused on the present and the love they offered each other.

_“Do you have anyone to go back to, lad? Friends, family…a loved one waiting for you?” the kind man asks him as they’re standing in front of the steps that will lead him to the outside world, back to the familiar grounds, back to everyone._

_“I have, in fact…If they don’t kill me for not coming back sooner,” Jean makes a stupid attempt to joke because he really isn’t sure how the Scouts will welcome him. He knows that nothing is his fault and that returning sooner wasn’t an option for him—hell, he’s recovering even right now and who knows if he’ll ever gain his previous agility back—but the thought of seeing those he left behind after a year…those who left with him on that mission after nine months…it’s something he’s looking forward to and something that scares the living daylights out of him. “As for that loved one…well, there is,_ if _she hasn’t lost all hope with me, of course, I’ve put the poor girl through so much trouble already.”_

_“Then I hope she’ll be waiting for you and that you two will build something beautiful together,” the woman smiles at him as she hands him his cloak and goes to stand next to her husband.”Don’t lose your faith, Jean, everything can be fixed.”_

_Everything?_ He wonders and now the sun has started to set, painting the ocean in red, orange and yellow colors…God has he missed this sight, the endless water in front of him, uniting with the sky in the horizon, the beach…the few houses in the distances, the houses they picked as their new residence when they first arrived, four years ago. It’s overwhelming, all the emotions mixed together…and as he dismounts his stallion in front of the houses and Armin and Connie are the first to see him and run and hug him, it dawns on him that he’s alive…more so than when he opened his eyes after being cured.

Armin and Connie are followed by Eren, who gives him a brotherly hug and a playful punch of the arm; the two of them have reached a silent understanding and respect for each other during the years, and then Mikasa and Floch…even Hanji hugs him, not even caring about the piece of parchment he gives her; because now she doesn’t see them as soldiers under her order, but as equals, as family, which means that she doesn’t celebrate Scout Kirstein’s return with the much-needed report, but _Jean’s_ return with the assurance that all news they heard about his death were false.

“I’ll read the report later, where were you, why were there news of you dying, how did you survive, did you really see the Underground City, do we have some new Titan powers, are you still hurt, we’ll have to examine you afterwards!” she fusses over him and Jean can’t help chuckling; at least the older woman’s rambling and enthusiasm to learn new things has stayed the same.

“It is good to have you back, Kirstein.” Levi says, placing a hand on his shoulder and nodding towards him; he’s still as emotionless as Jean remembers him, but he sees the happiness behind the gesture.

“I’m happy to be back, Captain,” he replies with a respectful salute, although it’s clear that his mind is elsewhere as his amber eyes travel all around, trying to spot a certain someone, and the worries begin: _Has something happened to her?_ Armin seems to get the message at once and, judging from the way he looks at the others, knowingly, joyful and concerned, there _have_ been some changes.

“What? What is it?” he questions them, looking from the one to the other and almost panicking; what the freaking hell happened to Sasha, is she too mad at him, that’s why she hasn’t come to see what this ruckus is all about?

“Should we tell him or should we leave it as a surprise?” Armin asks the others without paying attention to him and the fear that’s packing him. What’s more surprising, though, is that there are no sad glances or mournful mumblings as there would if there was bad news; on the contrary, Eren and Connie leave small snickers, Hanji rubs her hands in delight and even Mikasa smiles a little—and a smiling Mikasa is as rare as a friendly Titan, so now Jean is in genuine agony about what’s happening.

“Do you want to cause Jean a heart attack when he’s just escaped death?” Hanji squeals happily and Levi rolls his eyes, surely remembering those old times when she went crazy whenever she liked something. “Tell him, Armin.”

“Tell me what?”

**Nine months ago**

Sasha leaves a loud sigh as she chops a cabbage to add to today’s stew. Despite their initial thoughts when they decided to live near the ocean, food hasn’t been a problem these years. There are plenty of vegetables around and they sometimes travel to the walls to buy what they need; after the Battle of Shiganshina District and the reclaiming of Wall Maria, the Survey Corps achieved what they couldn’t all these years: massive appreciation by the residents and the authorities alike. Of course, the fact that Historia, their beloved queen, was a member of the Scouts herself is an extra reason, but Sasha feels mixed emotions at the knowledge that the people don’t consider them suicidal tax-wasters any longer. On the one hand she’s proud for everything they have achieved, proud for having joined the military branch that played such a cardinal role to humanity’s freedom. But it’s also ironic, their group becoming so beloved after being exterminated almost entirely and with only nine members surviving; and Sasha feels almost angry at the fact that people are supporting them now and not when they needed it the most.

She takes a deep and calm breath, knowing that stress isn’t good for her, but negative thoughts seem to be part of her everyday life these days. Three months have passed since Jean, Connie, Mikasa and Armin left to spy on the warrior forces; three months of agony and without news.

And only a few days after the discovery that has turned her knees into jelly, a part of her joyous and moved, another still fearing for the outcome of this mission and another still processing the new facts. When Hanji confirmed her suspicions and started fussing over her, Sasha spent several moments like frozen…she had thought that her feeling unwell all of a sudden could mean that, but hearing it as a fact was so life-changing that she couldn’t even speak.

“Commander Hanji!” Floch’s voice outside brings her out of her trance; he sounds anxious, as if something really urgent is going on. “Commander Hanji, riders have been spotted on the way here!”

 _Riders? Riders?_ Sasha repeats in her head and actually leaves a gasp of happiness; after three months they are finally back! Not even caring about the stew anymore, she throws her apron on a chair nearby and runs outside, ready to embrace the newcomers and announce them the change that’s occurred. But her happiness doesn’t last long, because she spots Armin and Mikasa being hugged by Eren, the latter’s hand buried in the woman’s black hair in a desperate grip as if he doesn’t want to let her go…Connie himself hugs her tightly and she hugs him back, ruffling his buzz cut…but that’s all.

The riders Floch saw are three, not four as expected.

“Armin? Is…Is Jean still on the way? D-Did he stay behind to make sure you’re safe?” she asks the blond with a fragile voice and she notices how the three Scouts look: Mikasa lowers her head, Connie puts his hand on her shoulder in a comforting gesture, but Armin looks the worst; he’s pale, with a blank look and ready to faint at any second.

What terrifies Sasha, though, what makes her breathing erratic and difficult, isn’t only how Armin’s looking, but the fact that he hasn’t been like that since once specific event.

Back then he was like that because he killed a Military Police girl to save Jean’s life.

Now, though…

“Armin, what happened?” she shakily repeats and she barely notices Hanji moving to stand next to her, the Commander ready to jump to her aid at any moment because they all sense what’s about come.

“W-We were ambushed…Large group…Military Police…Order of the Walls…loyalists of the previous monarchy who think it’s only their right to have memories about the old world.” Armin stutters and sits down on the grass, Mikasa’s hand on his back and Eren’s gaze travelling from him to Sasha and vice versa. “Too many of them and Jean…pushed me away…said someone had to…to return and explain…”

_No! No, no, it can’t be, not Jean, not you, you suicidal maniac, why the hell couldn’t you be selfish for once and run away with Armin? Have to be the freaking hero all the time, now see where that got you, you idiot, how am I supposed to go on now?_

“Sasha?”

“Sasha!”

“What on earth is wrong with her, why is she having a panic attack?”

“Sasha, please, breathe, think about your condition!”

“ _What_ condition?”

“You’ll learn, Connie, for now help her breathe!”

Sasha hasn’t even realized that she’s slumped down on the grass in Connie’s embrace, her head between her knees, hands on her stomach and feeling that walls are closing around her, that she’s suffocating. Someone caresses her back soothingly, but she doesn’t have the strength to respond or to even stop sobbing hysterically, while Armin’s voice asking what’s wrong seems miles away from her.

When she’s finally able to breathe again it’s as if hours have passed and she’s collapsed against Connie’s shoulder, the latter drawing soothing circles on her back. The tears haven’t ceased, but the sobs have been replaced by small whimpers as she curls in her friend’s arms more, trying to block out the cruel reality. Her hands are protectively wrapped around her but, thank God, she’s not in extreme physical pain, meaning that her reaction hasn’t endangered her situation immensely—it’s already hard to believe that Jean’s not coming back, she can’t handle another loss.

“Sasha?” Connie addresses her now, eyeing her carefully; his voice is calm, but clearly demanding to know what’s happening to her.

“Connie, I’m pregnant.”

 

_“Why? Why do you have to go there, we have plenty of information thanks to Dr. Jaeger’s diaries, why is it necessary to spy on the enemies?”_

_“Because the war isn’t over, Sasha, we can’t stay complacent while that warrior program is still on; they might come after Eren to take his Titan powers!”_

_“We can defend him when that time comes!”_

_“But we need to know more about all this mess, about why the war started, about why our memories were erased by the first king, about why the hell some people like Mikasa’s ancestors weren’t affected by this memory loss! Sasha, we’re still soldiers, we can’t abandon our duty to humanity just because we have some sort of peace here!”_

_Jean sighs loudly, looking into Sasha’s fearful eyes. It’s the night before their spying mission and Sasha’s come to see him in the wooden house he shares with Floch and Eren—one of his roommates is on watch duty tonight, taking care that no one will attack them unexpectedly, while Eren is with Mikasa and Armin, who’re leaving tomorrow as well. They’re on their own, with the sound of the waves in the background, their yelling breaking the calming silence of the environment around them. The young man can understand why Sasha’s reacting like that; despite all her bravery and strength, the tragedies and losses she suffered as a soldier are enough for a lifetime, her endurances are broken and she can’t go through the same fear again; after all, she barely escaped with her life during the last battle in Shiganshina, a battle that wiped out the entire Scout Regiment save for the nine of them._

_“During the 57th Expedition, when we encountered the Female Titan for the first time and decided to distract her to buy time for the others,” he starts now, avoiding to mention Reiner and Annie because traitors like that don’t deserve to be remembered by their names, “I was scared as hell, fearing that she would slaughter us like sheep. But I had made a promise: that I would stick to my duty and my decision if I believed it was the right one. Now it’s exactly the same.”_

_“No, it’s not!” Sasha shakes her head violently and crosses her arms in front of her chest, as if she wants to protect herself…or as if she tries to stop herself from hugging him. “It may start as a spying mission, Jean, but who’s guaranteeing us that nothing will go wrong? Right now we’re lucky to be alive…or have you forgotten how you reacted when I woke up in Shiganshina?”_

_Of course he hasn’t forgotten. Sasha’s severe injuries and her limp form had terrified him so much that he actually believed she wouldn’t wake up—and even the mere thought had made him weak. In the end, when she opened her eyes and told them to shut up because they were too loud, he was so relieved that he had knelt next to her, placing her head on his lap and kissing her spontaneously and repeatedly whispering how happy he was that she was alive and that she had scared the hell out of him._

_A_ _nd now Sasha’s facing the exact same fear: the fear that he’ll die out there just when they’ve managed to build a steady life outside the walls. Without a verbal answer, he quickly pulls her in his hug and leans his cheek against her head; Sasha doesn’t question it, she simply wraps her arms around his larger frame and brings herself even closer to him, shutting her eyes as she feels a pair of lips on her forehead and temple while quiet tears are running down her face. “I’m sorry, Potato Girl, I’m so sorry,” he whispers in her ear, her silent sobs being an extra thorn in the guilt this conversation causes him._

_“No, no, I-I’m sorry, I’m acting like a coward again, just like back when Shiganshina fell! I-I know we n-need to stay active, b-but I can’t t-take it, we’ve been through s-so…so much…and now almost half of the remaining Survey Corps is leaving, the strongest soldier of the 104th, our best tactician, my best friend and the one I—“ Sasha forces herself to stop talking, mentally scolding herself for almost blabbing out tonight of all nights because it won’t do them good, but Jean doesn’t let her unfinished sentence fall to the ground, he always wanted to hear things as they were, without making exceptions._

_“The one you what?” he pressures her to go on, gently pulling her away from his embrace so he can look her in the eyes; he doesn’t push her away completely, the distance between them is still small and his hands are resting on her forearms, but she avoids his gaze and he needs to title her chin up so she can look back at him. “The one you what, Sasha?” he softly repeats; he feels bad for pushing her like that, but it’s the night before his departure and, despite his determination to see the mission through, right now everything is uncertain and desperate for him._

_“Forget it! It doesn’t matter, it’s too late, anyway, you’re leaving tomorrow, it has no sense—“_

_“It matters exactly because I’m leaving tomorrow. It matters to both of us…Sasha, take the decision you’ll regret less tomorrow, when I won’t be here,” Jean slightly lowers his head so he can be the same height as her; the distance between them is so small that he can see every small detail of her face, her hazel orbs wet with tears, the tiny blush that paints her cheeks, her trembling as she fights with all her strength to keep tears and words hidden; God why hadn’t he paid attention to all those details before?_

_“It’s too late,” Sasha whispers again and briefly connects their lips in a small kiss, a lover’s goodbye peck that reminds him of the one he had given her when she woke up after the fighting in Shiganshina._

_With the huge difference that his was a I-am-so-happy-you’re-alive kiss, while hers is a I-can’t-handle-the-thought-of-you-leaving one, sad and fearful; now they’re both holding to every second that can delay the coming of tomorrow: they’re trying to control themselves and at the same time being apart doesn’t seem like an option to them because Sasha’s statement that it’s late surely hasn’t only to do with the time._

_“You’re leaving…you need to rest, to gather your strength,” she concludes, still grasping to whatever small bits of control she has, but it’s obvious that her resistances have been broken and that this is only her last attempt to stay strong, like a child that doesn’t want to admit that they’ve made a mistake. She opens her mouth to speak again, but Jean doesn’t let her, having had enough of words; instead he pulls her towards him again and kisses her much firmer and desperate than she did, his hands landing on the small of her back, feeling her frantic breathing…he feels so guilty for hurting her but he can’t help it, right now it’s about all or nothing._

_“Then don’t go…Stay here tonight, don’t leave me alone with my thoughts, give me the strength I need,” he says, barely breaking the connection between them to speak. He sees her ready to speak, to resist, thinking that it will hurt them worse, so he quickly kisses her again, not wanting to hear this. “Please, Sasha…”_

_“Okay, okay, don’t worry, I’m staying…I’m staying, Jean,” she replies and she’s taken her decision because she knows as well as he does that walking away from him will be a bigger regret for her than this._

_Their tears and their pain make this far from perfect, but it’s what they have, what they need and right now they don’t care about anything less. Despite the ferocity of their emotions, though, Jean tries to delay tomorrow, he takes care of her, treating her like she’s the only one keeping him steady at the moment. When he wakes up the next morning at first light and gets ready and wraps a simple cloak around him—he’s leaving as a spy and the trademark Recon Corps cloak would betray the whole mission—and sits next to Sasha who’s still sleeping restlessly, his only regret is that he didn’t  act on his feelings sooner._

_It’s so easy for him to give her a kiss goodbye and leave before she wakes up, but he can’t do this to her; he loves her too much to go away without seeing her off. He caresses her face, nuzzling her neck and sweetly mumbles her name; Sasha opens her eyes and sits up and the sight of her looking at him in such a way, wearing his olive grey military shirt which he gave her for the night, creates such a content image of intimacy that he feels the urge to stay, mission or not._

_“It’s okay, go,” she softly tell him as if guessing his thoughts…her voice is bittersweet but it has nothing of yesterday’s panic; it’s calm, composed and steady, like a true soldier’s, and Jean feels like being overwhelmed by his pride for her. But then she yanks him forward from his collar and now it’s her kissing him; a real goodbye kiss this time, like a promise that last night was indeed something they wouldn’t regret._

 

“Little one giving you trouble?” Connie asks his best friend as they sit as the small table in his house, accompanied by Hanji, who leaves a chuckle at Sasha’s expression when she feels a characteristic kick. After the newcomers’ initial shock at the revelation, all three of them gave Sasha their honest promise to be there for her for anything she needs. Despite being already six months pregnant, her grief hasn’t lessened, but she’s trying to be strong for both her and the little being she’s carrying; her friends make everything easier, but, despite her assurances that nothing was Armin’s fault, she can see that the blond is still blaming himself, as if it were his actions that left a kid fatherless even before its birth.

“Normally not, mostly at nights,” Sasha explains now; Connie throws the Commander of the Survey Corps a worried look, but she makes a comforting gesture: it’s good for Sasha to open up, bottled up stress is much worse. “It’s just…I’m thinking about all the jokes we’d make if he were here, you know? He’d cook me huge portions of food, I’d eat everything, he’d laugh at me…Then he’d worry about whether he could be a good father and I’d tell him not to be stupid…”

“Sasha…” Hanji gently lays her hand on the young woman’s shoulder, “we’re all here. We’ll all help you when the little munchkin arrives…and we’ll tell stories about what a hero their father was.”

“Exactly, like when he decided to join the Scouts despite being scared as hell? Or when he fought the Female Titan? Or when he saved Mikasa’s life?” Connie agrees and sighs with relief when he sees a small smile adorning Sasha’s face as he decided to change the subject. “And by the way…any preferences? What do you want, boy or girl?”

“I’ll love it whatever it’ll be…I love it so much already.” Sasha comments tenderly, receiving a gentle kick as an answer. “But since you’re asking me…a boy.”

“Boy, eh? Any specific reasons?”

“Yes, Hanji-san, so I can name him after a wonderful friend who left us early and too tragically.”

 

_“Tell him, Armin.”_

_“Tell me what?”_

_“Let’s just say that you were gone all these months….but something of you stayed behind.”_

_“What?”_

_“Three months ago Sasha gave birth, Jean. To your child.”_

As he enters Sasha’s room, approaching her bed and the crib next to her, his pulse is racing, his knees feel weak and he still can’t believe what Armin told him…that he’s a father now, the father of a three-month-old. He aches for having left Sasha in that condition and he doesn’t even want to imagine what she went through when she believed that he was gone…but right now, as he places a small kiss on Sasha’s forehead and takes a first look of the baby boy that’s leaving small whimpers, the joy and excitement prevail.

The little one is a tiny being, his hand easily fitting in Jean’s palm as he smiles down at him and his eyes involuntarily filling with tears. He has inherited his hair color and now that he’s watching him growing restless at the shadow that’s over him, it’s as if he’s seeing a baby version of himself. Without even thinking, without even knowing what to do, acting only by instinct, he picks his son up and carefully cups the back of his head; and the movement feels so natural, assuming the father role just like that, that it feels as if this isn’t even the reality.

“Shhh, shhh, hey, it’s okay. It’s okay, don’t cry, I’m here now…” he whispers cooingly, his eyes unable to look away; can someone as messed up as him really father such a small and pure being…a creature with his expressions and Sasha’s beautiful hazel eyes? “I’m here and we don’t want to wake your mom up, right?”

“Too late for that.”

Sasha’s sitting up, her back resting against her pillow, and she can’t process what she’s seeing right now…the one she considered dead, the one she loves, the one who left a part of him with her when he departed, their child…She wants to ask him where on earth he was all this time and how he did this to her…but seeing her son in his father’s arms fills her with such a contentment that she doesn’t have the heart to do so; especially when Jean sits down next to her on the bed and winces.

“You’re in pain,” she only manages to say, speaking calmly, worriedly; is this pain the reason he was away?

“Don’t worry, this is nothing.”

“Nothing? You come back after a year clearly injured and this is nothing? Then how was the ‘everything’?” Sasha wants to know and her hands are grabbing her blanket so tightly that the knuckles are white. Jean, on the other hand, can’t believe how on earth she still worries for him after everything she’s been through because of him…because he has the feeling that, if she wanted to accuse him, she’d do so even if he didn’t hold their baby in his arms.

But she wants to know and, although there are so many things he wants to tell her and ask her, he knows they have to wait because she, of all people, deserves an explanation about his absence. “The news about my death could be true, Sasha…I was shot badly at the ambush and after that…after that those Military Bastards together with the Order of the Walls crazies held me captive in a hideout they have in the Underground City. When they realized that I wouldn’t reveal anything they threw me on the streets, obviously thinking I’d die from my wounds soon…Believe me, I thought I was dead too.”

Sasha’s listening carefully to him, her face a mask of pain and rage for his suffering and even the baby leaves a small cry, as if he’s protesting for what his dad lived. The fact that his Potato Girl isn’t angry at him, that she’s giving him her attention, that she hasn’t thrown him out, yet, is like balsam for him and gives him courage to continue. “A couple found me and took care of me, cured me and gave me shelter until I had recovered enough to leave. They live in a block of the city that’s resisting against all those monsters…they promised not to talk about my presence there to anyone. And they kept their promise, looked after me like parents because my recovery needed time and was really slow…and as you can see, I’m still not fully healed.” Jean finishes with a bitter laughter.

“They told me I was welcome to stay longer to make sure I was fine, but I wanted to come back to you so badly that I didn’t care about anything else. And then I _do_ come back and learn that you have a child… _our_ child…and you’re here and I missed you so much…I-I still haven’t asked you what his name is…”

“Jean, it’s fine, we can talk about everything, I thought I’d never see you again, but here you are…” Sasha’s voice is thick with tears as well and she gently caresses his face, as if making sure that this isn’t a dream. “You’re here, we’re all here and everything’s fine with the little one, he’s a healthy baby potato and it was an easy birth, so don’t be scared,” she whispers, Jean leaving a tearful chuckle at the nickname she has found for their kid.

“As for his name…you’re smart, you can guess it.”

Jean’s eyes meet hers abruptly at these words, because she’s right…a thought starts forming up in his mind and his heart swells with nostalgia for his son’s namesake and with love for his small family…for his son and for this woman who’s given him the best gift he could ever have upon his return…who’s named their baby after someone they both miss greatly.

“Marco,” he whispers and it isn’t a question, it’s a statement, to which Sasha replies with a nod.

“Marco.”

Now tears run down Jean’s face and for once he isn’t even ashamed of them. He cries for his best friend’s loss, which will always be a mystery to him, he cries for abandoning Sasha during her pregnancy, especially since she was so terrified that last night, the night that led them to this moment, and he cries for having missed his son’s birth, for missing so many moments already. After giving baby Marco to his mother, he cradles her face between his hands and kisses her lovingly, passionately, silently thanking her for accepting him back, for the child she brought into the world; he kisses the back of her hand, her knuckles, her face and Sasha chuckles slightly at the display of affection…it feels so good to receive his tenderness again, after all this time.

“Hey, Sasha…Whenever Hanji says that Marco’s fit to endure long travels…I want us to make a journey…To the village my mother went after the evacuation of Trost,” he pleads her afterwards and she smiles brightly, having heard so many stories about Mrs. Kirstein’s kindness. “I-I didn’t go there after getting well, I didn’t want her to see me like that…but I know she’ll be so ecstatic to meet you and her grandson.”

“Of course, Jean, of course, just tell me when and we can go to your mom…Actually, I’d suggest you we go to my father afterwards, but I don’t want him to chase you with his rifle,” Sasha winks at him and Jean bursts in hysterical laughter; that’s the good old Sasha he knows, the one with her wits and her jokes. At the sound of their laughter, Marco leaves a small whimper and struggles in Sasha’s arms, making Jean worry that he’s in pain, but the young woman quickly puts an end to his concern.

“Already preferring your dad’s hug from mine, eh? Men, always sticking together…Okay, little guy, go to your father,” she smirks and hands the boy back to Jean, who makes him comfortable in his arms before giving Sasha another kiss, small and sweet and promising to stay with them from now on.

“I love you…I love you both so much,” he tells her and Sasha feels warmth spreading through her…she knew what she meant to him, their son’s existence the living example of his love for her, but hearing Jean saying that has a whole other value.

“We love you too, Jean.”

 

“What are they doing in there that long, come on, I live for the moment to see Horseface with a kid.”

“Sit the hell down, brat, they have too much to talk about, they don’t need your useless rambling too!”

“Aw, but Eren’s right, I wanna see my buddy and the little one so I can pull funny faces at him again!”

“Then they better _not_ come out of there, Connie, your funny faces suck!”

“Excuse you, Floch, the little munchkin loves my funny faces, so your opinion doesn’t matter.”

“Look who’s talking about munchkins, Shortie! And the kid has inherited Sasha’s sense of humor, I’d have permanent psychological traumas from your funny faces!”

“Hey, stop it you two, Jean’s just come back, of course he wants to be with his family!”

“For once I agree with Four-Eyes, so leave the kids alone.”

“I never thought I’d say that, but I missed Horseface!”

“Oh for the love of God, Eren!”


End file.
